So many of us have a tendency to put others ahead of ourselves, stemming from our desire to belong, our innate need to be liked and feel appreciated. Helping others is a great attribute, the problem is when this becomes overbearing and when we put our authentic selves and our own needs to one side.

Raising our self-awareness as people pleasers can be quite the challenge!

In fact the feelings that arise as we begin to understand our people pleaser ways are akin to those of grief, as we effectively let go of that version of ourselves.

Which of these resonates with you?

• DENIAL

  • “People-pleaser? That’s not me, I just like helping other people, I’m a nice person is all.”

    Are you sure? Do you often find yourself agreeing to do things you don’t want to? Do you often find yourself apologising? Do you find it difficult to say no to anything?

    If any of these are yes then it is possible your people pleasing is starting to take over.

• ANGER

  • “It’s not my fault, everyone takes advantage of me! They know I can’t say no but they still ask, I shouldn’t have to tell them!”

    Do they actually know? Have you told them? No? Well in that case how will they know? People learn to treat you by the way you treat yourself. If you constantly focus on pleasing others and not accepting help, what have you taught people?

• BARGAINING

  • “OK, boundaries could work, as long as you can guarantee that I won’t lose any friends and I won’t upset anyone”

    Boundaries and letting go of your people pleasing will only work if you are committed to defending the boundaries and yourself. Be honest with yourself, if you upset and lose this friend due to putting yourself first, how valuable a relationship does that feel to you? Fulfilling friendships will support you putting yourself first.

• DEPRESSION

  • “I don’t know if this is worth it. People think of me differently now. It feels lonely. I know I wasn’t happy and being fair to myself earlier but this is hard.”

    It is not easy. Being vulnerable takes real courage. Being honest is scary and brave. Putting yourself first feels strange and perhaps even guilt ridden. But what are the costs of not doing so? What are the costs of continuing to please others and over commit yourself? Could you potentially be pushing yourself to stress and burnout? What are the benefits of letting go of this identity? How would it feel?

• ACCEPTANCE

  • “ Oof, this is hard….BUT I am starting to feel like my authentic self. I’m making decisions that work for me, I feel more honest and I like who I am becoming.”

    YES!!!!!!!

    Yup it’s hard… and sorry but it will continue to be hard… this isn’t a linear process, it’s likely you may go through different stages of this cycle multiple times. But it sure is worth it to feel the freedom of being your true self and making aligned decisions, rather than the exhaustion of constantly putting on that people pleasing outfit and reacting to everyone else.

So what are some techniques that could help as you let go of your people pleasing identity and start to accept the authentic you?

You can learn to say no. I have plenty of tips on how to do this on my instagram and in my last newsletter. Start in unpressured environments and check in with your values, your capacity and your wants.

You can start listening to your heart (or gut - whichever speaks louder) about the times you feel uncomfortable and taken advantage of, and about the times that bring you joy and give you energy.

You could start writing your thoughts down, uncovering more about yourself and your emotions. Writing thoughts down can be a great way to challenge your thoughts.

You can start to set boundaries with both yourself (not overcommitting) and with others. There are generally believed to be 6 key areas for boundaries: Time, Material, Emotional, Sexual, Intellectual and Physical, where do you need to set some boundaries?

You could try affirmations and / or a vision board/ mission statement to remind yourself of the person you aspire to be and the things in life you want to enjoy.

You could start being a detective….seriously though, hiding yourself for such a long time can cause an over dependence on the thoughts of others, but it can also cause an assumptions of the thoughts of others. Start looking for evidence to deny the negative thoughts of people not liking you, and supportive evidence to show why the authentic you is a pretty badass detective.

Which of these most resonate with you?

Which techniques will you start building into your toolkit?