My top tip for leaders and confidence
The quality I keep coming back to time and time again, the one that has helped me personally in a range of circumstances and the one I work on very regularly with my clients: Self Compassion.
Self compassion has its roots in buddhism and so as an idea has been around for over 2500 years, however it was defined more specifically in the western world by Kristin Neff. Neff describes self compassion as having three main components:
Self Kindness over Self Criticism. Understanding the voice we use with ourselves and making this a kinder voice rather than the harsh judgements we may pass.
Common Humanity over Isolation. Understanding that we are not alone in our struggles, that others feel the same way we do and that these feelings and challenges are typical. This sense of community helps to feel more supported.
Mindfulness instead of Over-Identification. Acknowledging all feelings and letting them pass, rather than staying and over-identifying, in particular with negative emotions.
Why is this concept so important?
Well for a start the world is a really tough place to be, from personal challenges to societal and global crises, it is not an easy place to be. It is impossible not to mention the anger and shame in the media, both social and otherwise, it makes it very difficult not to look at ourselves and others with a negative view.
I have for so many years spoken to myself disgustingly, and I hear others regularly questioning their value, their intelligence, their kindness. If they say this outloud in front of others, what are they saying in the quiet of their own mind? I have mentioned this before but our brain is so nosy! It will listen to what we say and it will believe it… your lack of self compassion is holding you back from the person you want to be professionally and personally.
And as leaders (that includes you self employed, freelances and micro business owners😄) you have hard decisions to make on a daily basis. Many of these decisions are in stressful circumstances, with uncertainty and risk. They are often lonely moments. And shock horror, you may not always make the right choice in those moments, you may have to pivot, or change course. It can feel so overwhelming at times. Self doubt can step up, and when it does self compassion is so important.
How can you build more self compassion?
Treat yourself as you would a friend. Especially when the critical voice appears, what would you say to a friend who was in the same position?
Practice mindfulness. I struggle with formal mindfulness (unless my yoga teacher is watching me) but I do practice mindfulness informally every day. To me this is simply slowing down and engaing my senses a little more to focus on the here and now (it stops those wander thoughts) whether walking, cooking or exercising.
Talk to others. Reaching out to other people will help you to understand that you’re not alone in your feelings. Saying your challenges outloud will also help you to create a distance between the problem and yourself and encourage you to start to take action more logically.
Name your critical voice - it’s not you, it is simply a part of you. If you can build a character around the criticiser then it helps us to separate ourselves from the negative voice and to challenge with more kindness. As an example “No, Paula, we don’t call ourselves stupid, this is tough, It’s OK to ask for help” (I have no idea where Paula came from….
Be kinder to others. If we slow and reduce our judgement of others, including even the most deserving!, it helps us to be kinder to ourselves too.
I’d love to hear your thoughts on this blog, and how you plan to be kinder to yourself (email now).
Trust me when I say it is one of the most important habits we can build.
When will you start?
Here is what Brené Brown has to say about compassion:
“Compassion is not a virtue - it is a commitment. It’s not something we have or don’t have - it’s something we choose to practice.”
If you don’t know Brené Brown I urge you to check her out. I have mentioned Brown multiple times for her work on brave and vulnerable leadership and I adore her tagline “Stay awkward, brave and kind”.
